complaint

[ongeboren <ongeboren@gmail.com>]

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint
letter of the year...have a laugh and read on. Complaint Letter of the
Year. The British do have a way with words....

A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints
dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so
that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technicia n to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website... .HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -
an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
arrived. After 15 telephone call s over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six
weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

Iestimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between
about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting
for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your
no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock
jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call
me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred to someone (and then been redirected
 to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I
 will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
 Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to
 attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer
 to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending
 hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what
 a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces
 of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice
 to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
 receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
 potential future attempts to extort payment from
me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically
failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with
hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps
bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from
my cats litter tray, as an expression of m y utter and complete contempt
for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John
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